Thus another End

Currently in Earphones: "Remembering Ned Kelly" by Klaus Badelt

Salutations.

So it ends. Failed again. It was like maddeningly trying to tie down a ship that was leaving port, and not only was it painful to realize that no matter what you did, that the ship would leave, but to have to hack through all of the lines you painstakingly tied down, each a valiant effort to halt the inevitable, pains me.

I don't know what's worse, that I'm so near to crying that I can't do it, or that my regret is tinged with emptiness.

I've done a horrid thing, I've lied to my partner about how I felt about her, in hope and with the intention of changing that lie. Everything was in place for a happy relationship, except me.

I leveled with myself and in such took a step forward, recognizing that I, too, should get happiness out of a relationship. Yet there is no self-satisfaction in this step. To be similie-like again, though I felt the swell of the Romantic in me as I fought the demons away from my ladies' castle, protecting her from them, I realized there was only pain to be had if I couldn't reciprocate her Love for me. I realized that I was doing no good for myself by staying at that castle, and though I knew that the demons would then get what I was trying to protect, I realized that I didn't care enough.

I tried. I wanted to badly to Love her. I wanted it so bad that I could taste it in her mouth, that I could feel it, just below the surface of her hands, I could feel the dull yearning when she was away. And yet, it was only a weak construct of my feeble mind.

Forgive me, Lady Dragon. I have done you a horrible disservice. So I take up the motley and the Jester's staff once again, and though your regal clothes made me feel kingly, I will always be the Fool.

Enough.
- James